Tehilla Luttig
"Love is our natural state. Everything else is a coping strategy or a believed lie."
Love, in Real Life: The Toolbox
Stop having the same fight in different clothes.
The self-study version, $147He's a good man. You love each other. So why do you feel so resentful, and so alone in this?
Understand what's actually happening underneath the arguments, the distance and the resentment. Then learn the practical tools I teach every private client, in your own time.
Get instant access, $147 Self-study. For one person or a couple. 8 modules, 45+ short video lessons, a workbook and bonuses. Questions first? Email me at hello@tehillaluttig.com"WWWOWOWWW. Mind blown! We could easily identify our 'injury' and we will keep this in mind going forward. How valuable to now understand why we act the way we do."
Kat C.
You can love each other deeply and still be exhausted by the way you're relating.
So many people start out with deep, exciting love, feeling invincible. But over time, and often with children, a distance creeps in, and connection gets replaced with protection.
You still love each other. There are good days, funny moments, kisses goodbye and plans for the future. But it feels like you speak different languages. And there's also that thing:
- The conversation you've had 47 times.
- The tiny comment that somehow becomes a two-hour argument.
- Trying to explain what you need without sounding critical, needy or ungrateful.
- Swallowing something because dealing with it feels more exhausting than carrying it.
- Feeling resentful about how much you carry, then guilty for feeling it.
- Being the one reading the relationship books, sending the podcasts and trying to figure out what needs fixing.
- Lying next to someone you love and wondering how you became so far apart.
Maybe, you hope, if you could just learn to say things better, you'd finally get through to each other. But it's rarely that simple, or the books would have worked. We all see the world through our own filters, and we all carry old injuries that affect how safe we feel with love.
And underneath it all, resentment quietly collecting interest. Not because you're a bad wife or a bad husband, but because a part of you has needs that haven't had a voice in a long time.
That's why this course goes beyond communication tools.
The problem is rarely the problem.
Communication is usually a symptom, not the real issue.
One person asks a question. The other hears criticism.
One tries harder to talk. The other withdraws.
So the first pushes harder. The second retreats further.
And suddenly you're fighting about how you're fighting, and neither of you can remember what started it.
Our arguments are rarely about the situation in front of us. They're usually a re-awakening of old pain from unmet needs. Even the dishes can be about feeling unappreciated and unsupported. When you know what you're really fighting for, you can actually resolve it.
"If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."
Abraham Maslow
- Sometimes you need a communication tool.
- Sometimes you need to understand an attachment injury.
- Sometimes someone needs a boundary. Or needs to take responsibility.
- And sometimes resentment has been quietly collecting interest for years.
That's why this is a toolbox, not one more relationship formula.
These are the tools I've gathered, built, tried and tested over thirteen years of private practice, and the ones I still teach every private client.
What we explore
8 modules and 45+ lessons: years of relationship work, distilled into one toolbox. These are some of the themes we explore together.
How love changes over time
Remember when talking for hours was easy and you couldn't wait to see each other? Then somewhere between work, kids and real life, you became less lovers and more people running a household together. Understand why losing that early intensity doesn't mean you chose the wrong person, and what helps bring closeness and fun back.
The patterns running underneath
You promise yourself you won't react like that again. Then they use that tone, pull away or say the one thing that hits your nerve, and you're right back there. Discover the attachment wounds, protective habits and conflict patterns that turn two reasonable adults into versions of themselves they barely recognise.
Understanding each other's worlds
What feels like love, support, pressure or rejection to one person can land completely differently for the other. Learn to recognise the filters, needs and expectations you each bring, so you can stop arguing over whose version is right.
Communication for real conversations
You carefully explain what you mean. They hear criticism. You try again. They defend themselves. Now you're explaining the explanation and somehow discussing six unrelated incidents from 2019. Learn to say the difficult thing without burying the message, and to listen without preparing your defence.
Becoming partners again
If you're reminding, organising, fixing and anticipating, it's easy to slide from partner into manager, and then wonder why you feel resentful and they feel controlled. Look at overfunctioning, boundaries and responsibility, and learn to show up powerfully without abandoning yourself.
Fighting without destroying connection
It starts with dishes, money or parenting. Twenty minutes later you're fighting about whether you're loved, respected or alone in this. Learn to recognise what you're actually fighting for, and to repair with an apology that actually repairs something.
The goal isn't never fighting. It's not letting every disagreement become evidence for everything that's ever been wrong.
Intimacy, desire and connection
You can love someone deeply and still wonder where the flirting, touching and wanting-each-other went. Understand the dynamics underneath desire, and how to nurture closeness without turning affection into another performance review.
Rewriting your relationship blueprint
Most of us never consciously decided what partnership should look like. We absorbed it from our parents and culture, then found ourselves repeating what we swore we never would. Decide what to keep, what to change and what "us" means from here.
8 modules. 45+ lessons. One toolbox.
Plus: the "please just give me something I can actually use" bonuses
Understanding why you do something is wonderful. Understanding it at 11:47pm while you lie in bed replaying an argument is less useful if you still don't know what to do. These take what you learn out of the videos and into real life.
The workbook
Don't just nod along thinking "that is SO us", then forget it by Thursday. Exercises and prompts to take each lesson deeper.
Resentment-busting guided visualisation
For when you're carrying a mental spreadsheet of everything you've done and everything they haven't. A guided practice to loosen some of that weight.
Parent, Adult and Child ego states
Ever hear yourself talking to your partner like their mother and think, who even am I right now? A bonus recording on how couples fall into parent-child dynamics and how to spot it.
The appreciation jar
A simple family activity that gets everyone noticing what's going right, kids included.
Weekly commitment ideas
"We really need to work on us" is not a plan. Small, realistic practices that fit an already-full week.
Questions to get to know each other again
For date nights that somehow end up being about school lifts and toilet paper. Find the person underneath the logistics.
Books and apps I love
Skip the endless scrolling. The resources I genuinely recommend to my clients.
Imagine not having to work this hard at the wrong things anymore.
Not spending half the evening rehearsing how to bring something up. Not searching for the perfect sentence that will stop your partner getting defensive. Not wondering whether you're too sensitive, or they're unavailable, or this is just what marriage is now.
Imagine being mid-argument and recognising:
Hang on. I know what's happening here.
Why something hits you so hard.
Why your partner shuts down.
Why you people-please and then become resentful.
Why two people can genuinely love each other and still make each other feel unseen.
And knowing what to do next.
What people say
"I found that the course gave us much-needed structure to relationship (re)building. Full of great content to start understanding our behaviours, what drives them and ways forward. Invaluable."
Ricky Z.
"We learned SO MUCH and understand each other better now! We enjoyed it thoroughly and can really say we understand each other, and why we reacted in certain ways, better."
Surene L.
"I enjoyed the course tremendously and have great respect for Tehilla's wisdom, insights, research and the compassion with which she helps us to come to grips with many challenges that we as couples are grappling with on a daily basis."
C.G., Clinical Psychologist
Hi, I'm Tehilla.
I'm a relationship and identity coach, author and licensed counsellor, and I've spent thirteen years in private practice helping people understand what's really going on between them and the person they love.
I love studying, and I've done hundreds of courses. I called this a toolbox because I'd never found one place that brought these tools together. So I built it.
My work is rooted in grace and trained in psychology. No shame, no blame. I don't believe you're broken. I believe most of us were handed the wrong map for love, and we can learn a better one.
Honours in Psychology (UCT). Trained in Gottman Method Level 2, BWRT and Discernment Counselling. HPCSA registered.
Is this for you?
It's a self-study course, so it works the same on your own or together. Some couples set aside every Sunday to watch a module together, then work through the workbook and focus on it that week.
Yes, if
- You love each other but keep getting stuck in the same loops
- You're the one doing the reading and want tools you can use tonight
- You want to understand yourself, not just "fix" your partner
- You're single and want to show up differently in dating
- You'd like to start quietly, in your own time
- You're looking for a thoughtful gift (buy it with their email address)
Not right now, if
- There's abuse, or you don't feel safe with your partner
- You're in a crisis that needs live support
- You want someone else to do the work for you
Love, in Real Life
The Toolbox
- 8 modules, 45+ short video lessons
- The workbook
- Resentment-busting guided visualisation
- Parent, Adult and Child ego states recording
- The appreciation jar family activity
- Weekly commitment ideas
- Questions to get to know each other again
- Books and apps I love
$147
One payment, for one person or a couple. Instant access.
Get instant accessNot for you? Full refund within 48 hours, no questions asked.
Questions first? Email me at hello@tehillaluttig.comQuestions
Does my partner need to do it with me?
No. It works the same on your own or together. Changing how you show up changes the dance between you, even if your partner never watches a lesson.
How long does it take?
Lessons run from a few minutes to about half an hour. Watch at your own pace, and give yourself a week to practise each one.
How long do I have access?
Lifetime access, for as long as the course is offered.
What if it's not for me?
Full refund within 48 hours, no questions asked.
Is this therapy?
No. I'm a licensed counsellor, but this is a self-study course, not therapy. It's built on the tools I use with private clients.
How is this different from the Love, in Real Life group?
The Toolbox gives you the core tools to start on your own. The videos were recorded a few years ago, before I shaped my full eight-week method, which is why the price is low. The live group and the private 1:1 take you through that full method with me, one pillar a week, applied to your real relationship.
Can I give it as a gift?
Yes. Buy it with their email address and the login goes straight to them.
I have another question.
Email me at hello@tehillaluttig.com.
Want more support?
The Toolbox gives you the core tools to start on your own. If you'd like to go through the full method with me, live:
Love, in Real Life
For when you want support, and the relief of not being the only one.
See the group →Relationship Realignment 1:1
The whole method taught to you privately, with my full attention on your relationship.
See the 1:1 →The tools we were all meant to have before we even started dating.
Healthy relationships don't require you to become less of yourself.
Questions first? Email me at hello@tehillaluttig.com